I didn't have a steady girlfriend in high school. I wasn't socially inept, but didn't excel in sports and tended toward the nerdy, scholastic type. I must not have been too much of a social dufus, however, as I was elected Student Council representative and ran for President all four years. But a chick magnet I was not.
During my second year in college one of the guys in my rooming house told me that they were hiring students to work in food service at the women's resident hall nearby. The hours were flexible, I would make a couple of bucks each week, plus (as an added bonus) have the opportunity to check out the girls as they moved through the cafeteria serving line. So, I signed up.
Toward the end of the school year, I met M. We went out several times and seemed to have lots in common. I had a car and offered to drive her home for summer break even though it was out of my way. I really didn't think our relationship would survive the summer, but much to my surprise and delight, after many phone calls, we picked up again right where we left off. This was the Fall semester of my Junior year. Things were looking good and I began to think she might be the "one."
We talked about the future. We talked about finding a small apartment to share, which would be cheaper than each of us living in student dorms or resident halls. The more we planned our future, the more I started thinking about asking her to marry me. It seemed like the next logical step. Why not?
I was 20 years old at the time. At 20, I was essentially a teenager, but I felt as if I had all the wisdom in the world. Some of my friends were married and M's sister had just gotten married a few months prior. I had no reservations or fears about getting married. It seemed like the logical thing to do. We had a simple ceremony that January to tie the knot.
Now, looking back, I wonder, "what in the hell was I thinking?" Why would anyone who had such limited experience dating women want to get married at such a young age? Why didn't I date other girls? Why not graduate first, get established in a career, and then, if the feelings were still there, get married? What was the rush?
I don't have answers to those questions. If I had broken off our relationship so that I could date others, how could I be assured that I would meet someone "better." Would I kick myself for letting M slip through my fingers. How we decide to decide remains a mystery for me. How do we know that we have enough information to make such a life altering decision such as choosing a spouse. But, after less than 6 months, I felt ready to tie the knot.
Knowing what I know now, my advice to myself would have been to date for at least a year, if not longer. Don't move in together even if it means saving money. Take whatever time is necessary to really know that person, warts and all. Likewise, dating for an extended time affords the other person a chance to get to know you, warts and all.
Did I make the right decision? The answer resides in the posts that follow.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Thursday, November 20, 2014
What Should I Be Doing?
Another heavy question is, What should I be doing? What is the purpose of our existence and am I fulfilling that purpose?
I have pondered this question many, many times. Early on, I was focused on what to study in college and what career to pursue. I'm a scientist, so my thoughts flowed toward engineering, math, medicine, chemistry, biology. Then I started digging deeper in hopes of understanding from where these ideas were originating. Why was I interested in science when others said that they hated science? And is science a worthwhile pursuit?
Where do our thoughts originate? If you sit in a quiet space and try to suppress the self-talk that goes on constantly in your head; to have no thoughts, you soon discover that thoughts and ideas are continuously forming in your mind. We don't have the sense that we are purposely forming these thoughts, they just appear out of no where. Why did I just think about chocolate cake, or my left front tire, or my old shoes? When I try to stop the flow of thoughts, I discover that it is immensely difficult to do so. Sometimes I say to myself, "Stop it. No thoughts," but the thoughts keep coming.
Thoughts are one thing, but the actions we take as a result of these thoughts is interesting to ponder, too. Why am I going to the gym to sign up for a workout program? I've thought about it several times, but why am I taking action now. Why today? Why not yesterday or last year? How did I decide to decide? Why am I going to work? Maybe my time would be better spent staying home and search for a better job.
This all flows toward the concept of free will. If thoughts spontaneously stream into our consciousness. And if I'm not the author of these thoughts, then it seems logical that I don't have as much free will as I think.
Further, if I can't determine how I decide to decide to take action in response to my thoughts, then perhaps I'm not totally responsible for my actions. If this be true, then society can't hold people responsible for the crimes they commit. But that puts the whole court system is jeopardy because, other than in the case of extreme mental illness, our society holds adults accountable for their actions.
It is my view that the mind creates the illusion of free will. Thoughts continuously flow from our subconscious into our consciousness, but we are not the author of these thoughts in the sense that we purposely create them. Likewise, we decide to decide to take action, to do something, based on a mysterious process that takes place in the mind that is seemingly out of our control.
And so, my take away from this is that their is no purpose to our lives other than the purpose we assign to it. We are not the author of our thoughts, beliefs and actions. Free will is an illusion. Our true "purpose" is merely the culmination of all the thoughts and actions that we experience in our lifetime.
I have pondered this question many, many times. Early on, I was focused on what to study in college and what career to pursue. I'm a scientist, so my thoughts flowed toward engineering, math, medicine, chemistry, biology. Then I started digging deeper in hopes of understanding from where these ideas were originating. Why was I interested in science when others said that they hated science? And is science a worthwhile pursuit?
Where do our thoughts originate? If you sit in a quiet space and try to suppress the self-talk that goes on constantly in your head; to have no thoughts, you soon discover that thoughts and ideas are continuously forming in your mind. We don't have the sense that we are purposely forming these thoughts, they just appear out of no where. Why did I just think about chocolate cake, or my left front tire, or my old shoes? When I try to stop the flow of thoughts, I discover that it is immensely difficult to do so. Sometimes I say to myself, "Stop it. No thoughts," but the thoughts keep coming.
Thoughts are one thing, but the actions we take as a result of these thoughts is interesting to ponder, too. Why am I going to the gym to sign up for a workout program? I've thought about it several times, but why am I taking action now. Why today? Why not yesterday or last year? How did I decide to decide? Why am I going to work? Maybe my time would be better spent staying home and search for a better job.
This all flows toward the concept of free will. If thoughts spontaneously stream into our consciousness. And if I'm not the author of these thoughts, then it seems logical that I don't have as much free will as I think.
Further, if I can't determine how I decide to decide to take action in response to my thoughts, then perhaps I'm not totally responsible for my actions. If this be true, then society can't hold people responsible for the crimes they commit. But that puts the whole court system is jeopardy because, other than in the case of extreme mental illness, our society holds adults accountable for their actions.
It is my view that the mind creates the illusion of free will. Thoughts continuously flow from our subconscious into our consciousness, but we are not the author of these thoughts in the sense that we purposely create them. Likewise, we decide to decide to take action, to do something, based on a mysterious process that takes place in the mind that is seemingly out of our control.
And so, my take away from this is that their is no purpose to our lives other than the purpose we assign to it. We are not the author of our thoughts, beliefs and actions. Free will is an illusion. Our true "purpose" is merely the culmination of all the thoughts and actions that we experience in our lifetime.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Two Important Questions
Two important questions that deserve careful consideration and a thoughtful answer are:
Who am I?
What should I be doing?
Let's me start, by way of introduction, with the first question; Who am I?
At first these seem easy enough to answer. I can say I'm Dennis. But no, that's just my name. That's what they call me, not who I am.
Ok, I'm a male in my 60s, college educated, widowed, semi-tired. How's that? No, that's not a good answer. Those are just the roles I've played; what I've done or accomplished in my life. I graduated from college, got married, raised 2 children, started a business, and am now looking ahead to my retirement years. But that's not who I am.
We get help from others by their candid assessment of who we are. The school years are a good place for this. Classmates tell us that we are smart or dumb, pretty or ugly, athletic or a klutz. Often this can be cruel or viscous. It can be inspiring if you are voted homecoming queen/king or class valedictorian. We are validated by our peers' and teachers' opinions, comments and feedback. But, again, that's not really who I am. It may be helpful to know these things, and it often sets the wheels in motion for pursuit of an education, career or family. But validation by others is just a judgement call.
Perhaps I can answer by noting that I'm made of this stuff; flesh and bones and blood. But as Carl Sagan taught us in Cosmos, we are made of "star stuff." We are composed of atoms that were made in stars that were hurled into space when the star exploded. Steven Hawking and others claim that the Universe was formed over 13.8 billion years ago in the Big Bang, which gave rise to everything that exists. So, I might say, with some degree of confidence, that I'm the Big Bang. I'm what the Universe is doing right now. I'm just part of a Universe that makes stars, planets, and life...including me.
But wait, I am consciously aware of my existence in the Universe. Even though I'm made of "star stuff", consciousness makes it possible for me to be aware of my existence. A more accurate description of who I am is...pure consciousness.
But where does my consciousness come from (if that's the right way to phrase it)? The nature of consciousness has been debated by neuroscientists and natural philosophers for centuries. Who is this person who seems to be perched in my head looking out at the world through my eyes? We have a sense that this entity is being moved about inside a body that belongs to "me." Why is it "me" and not somebody else? What if my father had married somebody else? Would my consciousness still exist, but in a different body? Where was "I" before I was born? Where will "I" go after my body made of "star stuff" gives up the fight? Nobody knows.
The only truthful answer I can give to the question "Who am I?" is "I don't know."
Who am I?
What should I be doing?
Let's me start, by way of introduction, with the first question; Who am I?
At first these seem easy enough to answer. I can say I'm Dennis. But no, that's just my name. That's what they call me, not who I am.
Ok, I'm a male in my 60s, college educated, widowed, semi-tired. How's that? No, that's not a good answer. Those are just the roles I've played; what I've done or accomplished in my life. I graduated from college, got married, raised 2 children, started a business, and am now looking ahead to my retirement years. But that's not who I am.
We get help from others by their candid assessment of who we are. The school years are a good place for this. Classmates tell us that we are smart or dumb, pretty or ugly, athletic or a klutz. Often this can be cruel or viscous. It can be inspiring if you are voted homecoming queen/king or class valedictorian. We are validated by our peers' and teachers' opinions, comments and feedback. But, again, that's not really who I am. It may be helpful to know these things, and it often sets the wheels in motion for pursuit of an education, career or family. But validation by others is just a judgement call.
Perhaps I can answer by noting that I'm made of this stuff; flesh and bones and blood. But as Carl Sagan taught us in Cosmos, we are made of "star stuff." We are composed of atoms that were made in stars that were hurled into space when the star exploded. Steven Hawking and others claim that the Universe was formed over 13.8 billion years ago in the Big Bang, which gave rise to everything that exists. So, I might say, with some degree of confidence, that I'm the Big Bang. I'm what the Universe is doing right now. I'm just part of a Universe that makes stars, planets, and life...including me.
But wait, I am consciously aware of my existence in the Universe. Even though I'm made of "star stuff", consciousness makes it possible for me to be aware of my existence. A more accurate description of who I am is...pure consciousness.
But where does my consciousness come from (if that's the right way to phrase it)? The nature of consciousness has been debated by neuroscientists and natural philosophers for centuries. Who is this person who seems to be perched in my head looking out at the world through my eyes? We have a sense that this entity is being moved about inside a body that belongs to "me." Why is it "me" and not somebody else? What if my father had married somebody else? Would my consciousness still exist, but in a different body? Where was "I" before I was born? Where will "I" go after my body made of "star stuff" gives up the fight? Nobody knows.
The only truthful answer I can give to the question "Who am I?" is "I don't know."
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